i bet y'all thought i forgot about this space.

but, ahh. here we are. let's dust off the shelves a little and try again?

//

i think i needed to sit for awhile.
in the mess. in the disappointment. in the changing directions 17 times.
in the believing. in the doubting. in the getting hurt.
in the sudden goodness. the mercy. the relentless patience of Jesus.

staying was hard. leaving was hard. remaining was hard.

things are changing and turning and i'm thankful.
career changes, roommate changes, house changes {interior}, etc.

i've been here for 7 months {tomorrow} and i can honestly say, that with each passing month i am more and more certain i am where i am supposed to be.

//

i grew up in church. i've known of Jesus my entire life. i've heard more sermons, attended more conferences, seen more alter calls, prayed more prayers, and taken communion more times than a lot of people. i've had different pastors, church homes, and small group leaders. i've read books, i've gone through series, i've seen and done and been a part of it all. i've watched people walk after being wheelchair bound for years, i've seen people's hearing be restored. i've heard pastors in divine prophetic inspiration call forth great things in people that would soon come to pass. i come from an entire lineage of prophetic, anointed people; my grandmother and my dad being two of the biggest influences and inspirations in my spiritual walk with God. the very reason my parents made the decision to move to GA when i was a small child was a result of divinely inspired, divinely spoken words to my father. i've grown up seeing things in the night, dreaming crazy dreams, seeing things come to pass just days or even at times, hours before they did so.

i've also wrestled a lot with the weight of carrying such a gift. i don't say that arrogantly, rather, the study between both psychology in the natural realm and the supernatural in the spiritual realm has often left me with more questions than answers. i've tried, as any human does who tries to wrap their minds around faith and believing in something that cannot be seen or fully explained, to not-believe. to go ahead and throw up my hands in frustration over my lack of answers and believe that it's all made up.

honestly, these last few months i hardly did any of those things. i've heard a handful of sermons and attended a handful of gatherings. quite purposefully. maybe i needed to see the hard way that as jaded as i got to those things, they matter. maybe i was tired of church people not knowing how to handle real life ****. maybe i was tired of going by myself or having one too many small-talk conversations about my major and where i grew up {even though i'm far removed from both}. maybe i just needed to let myself doubt and wonder and beg God to move in ways that would require more than Him 'using' a pastor or leader. i don't think my decision was done in the best motive, or with the best heart behind it. i think my decision to avoid-church-at-all-costs taxed me and took something from me; peace of mind if nothing else. but it also reignited something in me that cannot be put out.

what did i do in that time? i pursued friendships and i laid in bed and i didn't get up and i struggled and i painted and i hoped and i begged and i felt horrible and i was overcome by anxiety and i cried and i yelled and i fought and i tried and i listened to podcasts and watched videos and listened to sermons online and read and wrote and watched my best friend go through heartache {twice} and, and, and.

and i saw that God truly restores my soul. and that i lack nothing. and that He places my feet on the heights. and that He keeps me going. and that He saved my life. and that He is who He says He is.

//

it's january, almost february.

i have found my way back into the place where God dwells {that is; the one we built for Him to dwell in. though, in typically fashion of both Nashville and new movements, we meet in one of the most popular music venues in this city on tuesday nights and i think that is more significant than i give it credit for.} i am learning, as i always do, that no matter how far i may run or where i may end up, i'm always brought back. there's always something in my spirit reminding me day in and day out of why i exist.

in two months, i'll be going to haiti for a week. during that week, i'm expecting my world to get rocked. i'm expected to return, fresh, broken hearted over what truly matters, and motivated.

//



there is so much need here in my city. i want to be a part of doing something about it.

i hate the porn industry.
i hate that kids are being sold for sexual reasons.
i hate that there is a seemingly endless cycle that those in inner city communities cannot get out of.
i hate that because of money, some people have no access to the mental care they need.
i hate that single mamas are getting worn completely thin because they need help.

there's something i can do about every single one of those things. here. in nashville. the city i believed i was supposed to go to.

//

2015 has been something else

//

we grow. and we grow and we grow and we grow.
nothing is wasted.
nothing is useless.
nothing is unseen.

//

updates more often, coming soon {i hope}