i bet y'all thought i forgot about this space.

but, ahh. here we are. let's dust off the shelves a little and try again?

//

i think i needed to sit for awhile.
in the mess. in the disappointment. in the changing directions 17 times.
in the believing. in the doubting. in the getting hurt.
in the sudden goodness. the mercy. the relentless patience of Jesus.

staying was hard. leaving was hard. remaining was hard.

things are changing and turning and i'm thankful.
career changes, roommate changes, house changes {interior}, etc.

i've been here for 7 months {tomorrow} and i can honestly say, that with each passing month i am more and more certain i am where i am supposed to be.

//

i grew up in church. i've known of Jesus my entire life. i've heard more sermons, attended more conferences, seen more alter calls, prayed more prayers, and taken communion more times than a lot of people. i've had different pastors, church homes, and small group leaders. i've read books, i've gone through series, i've seen and done and been a part of it all. i've watched people walk after being wheelchair bound for years, i've seen people's hearing be restored. i've heard pastors in divine prophetic inspiration call forth great things in people that would soon come to pass. i come from an entire lineage of prophetic, anointed people; my grandmother and my dad being two of the biggest influences and inspirations in my spiritual walk with God. the very reason my parents made the decision to move to GA when i was a small child was a result of divinely inspired, divinely spoken words to my father. i've grown up seeing things in the night, dreaming crazy dreams, seeing things come to pass just days or even at times, hours before they did so.

i've also wrestled a lot with the weight of carrying such a gift. i don't say that arrogantly, rather, the study between both psychology in the natural realm and the supernatural in the spiritual realm has often left me with more questions than answers. i've tried, as any human does who tries to wrap their minds around faith and believing in something that cannot be seen or fully explained, to not-believe. to go ahead and throw up my hands in frustration over my lack of answers and believe that it's all made up.

honestly, these last few months i hardly did any of those things. i've heard a handful of sermons and attended a handful of gatherings. quite purposefully. maybe i needed to see the hard way that as jaded as i got to those things, they matter. maybe i was tired of church people not knowing how to handle real life ****. maybe i was tired of going by myself or having one too many small-talk conversations about my major and where i grew up {even though i'm far removed from both}. maybe i just needed to let myself doubt and wonder and beg God to move in ways that would require more than Him 'using' a pastor or leader. i don't think my decision was done in the best motive, or with the best heart behind it. i think my decision to avoid-church-at-all-costs taxed me and took something from me; peace of mind if nothing else. but it also reignited something in me that cannot be put out.

what did i do in that time? i pursued friendships and i laid in bed and i didn't get up and i struggled and i painted and i hoped and i begged and i felt horrible and i was overcome by anxiety and i cried and i yelled and i fought and i tried and i listened to podcasts and watched videos and listened to sermons online and read and wrote and watched my best friend go through heartache {twice} and, and, and.

and i saw that God truly restores my soul. and that i lack nothing. and that He places my feet on the heights. and that He keeps me going. and that He saved my life. and that He is who He says He is.

//

it's january, almost february.

i have found my way back into the place where God dwells {that is; the one we built for Him to dwell in. though, in typically fashion of both Nashville and new movements, we meet in one of the most popular music venues in this city on tuesday nights and i think that is more significant than i give it credit for.} i am learning, as i always do, that no matter how far i may run or where i may end up, i'm always brought back. there's always something in my spirit reminding me day in and day out of why i exist.

in two months, i'll be going to haiti for a week. during that week, i'm expecting my world to get rocked. i'm expected to return, fresh, broken hearted over what truly matters, and motivated.

//



there is so much need here in my city. i want to be a part of doing something about it.

i hate the porn industry.
i hate that kids are being sold for sexual reasons.
i hate that there is a seemingly endless cycle that those in inner city communities cannot get out of.
i hate that because of money, some people have no access to the mental care they need.
i hate that single mamas are getting worn completely thin because they need help.

there's something i can do about every single one of those things. here. in nashville. the city i believed i was supposed to go to.

//

2015 has been something else

//

we grow. and we grow and we grow and we grow.
nothing is wasted.
nothing is useless.
nothing is unseen.

//

updates more often, coming soon {i hope}

5 and a half months.
Nearly half a year.

I'm grateful that God truly is the One who restores broken things. Who rebuilds walls. Who renews ancient ruins.

Because, honestly, so far Nashville has seemed like a whole lot of broken things. Both some via my own choices and some done against me. Both in a physical sense and a spiritual sense. I've been hurt and I've hurt others. I've been down really low. I've seen the valley, on this side, here in Tennessee.

But I believe.
And if the first half of my first year in Nashville was nothing but broken things, and if God is the One who takes broken things and pieces them back together, then it looks like I've got nothing to worry about.

Advent season begins.
May I truly, truly know Jesus.

this is quite possibly the most overdue blog post of all time, in which i apologize for that.
i am so thankful for those who have asked for an update and especially thankful to those who have faithfully prayed for me since my move to TN 3 months ago.

i've been trying to figure things out.
what 'things'? i don't even know.

community and church and neighborhoods and how you live with people and share bathrooms and decorate and how you get enough money to buy all the things you need for a new home like a Swiffer and toaster oven and guys/dating and communicating and pursuing art and searching for mentors/counselors and trying to remember to eat 3 meals a day and go to bed at a decent time and stay in touch with friends from back home and not seclude myself because this isn't what i pictured and to text back the {literally} 59 unanswered texts in my inbox and get outside enough to breath and arrange my room the right way and, and, and...

do you see how exhausted i am?

mostly, i know Jesus is trying to teach me to rest. to be productive, trusting Him, loving those around me, but not to be worn down. always a martha, never a mary // i want to be in a season of my life that teaches me about what it means to sit at the feet of Jesus.

i've felt pretty overwhelmed since i got to nashville, with a few really incredible moments of rest thrown in the mix. i am expectant for this season, both because quite literally it's Fall in TN and hello! it's beautiful, but also this season of my life as a person. i lost a little motivation in the busyness of moving and settling to pursue wholeness, but now i am re-inspired once again.

so yes, i moved. i have a nashville address. something i wanted and hoped for and prayed for and talked about for so, so long. i am thankful. i am also working 50 hours/week and it's a lot but what i need right now while i continue to get my state boards taken care of for my cosmetology license.

in 4 months i'll have my first nephew and once again my heart will swell and grow and once again i'll be reminded to not take things so intensely all the time. i still spend a part of almost all of my days daydreaming auntie style for the future (and present) of my 3 favorite little humans. i miss them terribly, still pray they grow up to like me and remember me being a part of their lives, and still write them letters on a fairly regular basis.

sometimes i spend my days wondering if i picked the right thing. if i was supposed to come here or not. sometimes i spend my days wondering if i'll ever feel like i belong somewhere or if i'll always move from place to place to place. sometimes i wonder where my husband is and why he's taking so long and how much easier all this would be if someone else was next to me in the process.

tired, tired, tired, but blessed.

thank you for continuing to be a part of my journey and may grace + peace be yours in abundance.

Two months //

I moved to Nashville just over two months ago.
I still cannot believe most days that I actually did it, and I especially cannot believe that I've stuck it out.

Here's an honest update:
I'm tired.
I don't feel like I know my purpose here.
I question if I have a purpose in another city.
I still don't really know anyone.
I still don't have an address.
I still don't have my license for the state of TN.
I still don't know what God is doing.
I still don't know why He's taking so long.
I still don't know what specific job I want.

But.
I still believe {somehow, someway} that this is where I was meant to be.

I was given this insane opportunity a few weeks back out of nowhere. I said yes, because it was July, and I had made a promise to myself that I'd say yes to any opportunity that came my way. When I started this job, I hadn't even faced one of the biggest setbacks of my time here. Little did I know then, and even now, just how much saying yes would change me.

I think we need to be around people different than us because it teaches us so much about love.
I think we need to force ourselves to do things we'd never normally do just because of the people it'll let us meet.

I don't feel brave or strong. I feel worn down and exhausted.
But there's beauty in everything {just not everyone sees it}

I don't know what I want or need this new month to be. But I am looking forward to it.
Month 3 in Nashville, let's do this.

Today is my 26th birthday.

25 was the year of // blood, sweat, and tears. realizing how brave I am. realizing that great things take time and hard work. doing things instead of just saying I'd do them. some very dark days. moving out of state. pursuing my dream career. falling and getting back up. being rerouted. meeting new people. learning life lessons. becoming an auntie again. understanding that as you grow, things change and learning what that looks like in terms of relationships. of getting to treasure plenty of sweet moments with my fav kiddos who lovingly call me 'nanny'. of learning that Jesus absolutely will come through even when all else is hopeless. reaping what I've sown. understanding humanity + grace and how they work together. and so much more.

My hope for 26 is that I'd be a fiercely loving, powerful, successful woman who also possesses gentleness and peace. I hope to have less anxiety. I hope to leave a mark on all those I meet. I hope to gain roots whether that be through people, a location, or {hopefully} both.

These past weeks have held many ups and downs {depending on your perspective}. I am still seeing God take care of me and I am still believing for good things. I am meeting new people, loving my new city, and figuring stuff out. I'm learning some lessons the hard way {i.e. tattoos are not most parents' favorite thing in the world!!}, but I'm thankful for the journey.

I leave Sunday to travel to New Orleans, following a trip to NYC and Washington D.C. next month... I feel extremely fortunate to be given this unexpected opportunity. My BFF Evy and I are still waiting on a home and believing for that sooner than later. We are both relieved to be "moving on" from the housing situation. It has made me appreciate the kindness of people that much more, so that setback really truly only served as a breakthrough of sorts.

Life is slightly weird, and truly not where I pictured it'd be at 26, but I can honestly say that I'm proud of my life, that I'm genuinely able to look back and see the various paths that brought me to where I am. I see that I am deeply loved and forgiven. I see that my life is not my own. I see that what my plans are and what God's plans are can be different, but they are always better. I can see that kindness and respect and care for others may leave me heavy-hearted sometimes, but that it's worth it. I've seen that all I really want and care about in life would be making people feel and look beautiful, loved, and valued.

Every single one of you who happens to read this has shaped me, molded me, blessed me in some way. So thank you.

I am not my own, for I have been made new //

Here's to 26!!!!

12 days have passed since my last post. Those 12 days have been significant, even life-changing {though I know that's a broad phrase}.

The timeline is as follows:

Go out to eat with my friend.
End up meeting the people next to us.
End up getting hired to work set for a TV show.
Start that job on Wednesday.
Find out that we got scammed on the house.
Get my entire car scraped up after getting hit in the parking deck.
Realize again in the midst of no sleep that, wait, I actually have no TN address...again.
Finish that job last night {73.5ish hours in six days}
Meet a whole ton of new Nashville people
Re-evaluate some things.

//

So.
Back to square one, yet pushed further into the things I was supposed to do here in TN all at the same time. I don't really have much to say about the housing situation. I don't think God hangs things in front of us then takes them away and I think that when people do something against us in a vulnerable state, we end up receiving double the portion of favor and blessing. The whole recovery of what has been stolen thing. I believe that's real and that's the only thing I can truly hold on to right now.

//

I'm thankful I was working because otherwise I would have been a lot more heartbroken over everything.

I still choose to believe.
I still am stoked about life in TN.
I still see God provide for me.
I still don't understand ANYTHING about why I'm here, because everytime I think I know, my life changes directions.

//

People keep asking me why I don't just go home, why I don't just give up, etc. etc. but if anything, I feel even more sure than ever before that this is 100% where I need to be.

I'm being taken care of. That's all I really know.

//

The adventure really isn't so bad after all.

Jesus. Is. Crazy.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

//

Those who look to Him are radiant. their faces are never covered with shame.
The righteous lack no good thing.
Consider the lilies of the valley // how much more will your Father in Heaven provide for you.
The Lord my God goes before me, He keeps my feet from slipping.
The Lord my God my strength enables my feet to be like that of a deer. He allows me to stand on the heights.
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you.
Ask and it shall be given to you, a good measure pressed down, shaken together and running over.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
BLESSED is she who believes that the Lord will fullfill His promises to her.

//

I made a decision a few days ago. I made a decision that I was going to stop focusing on my lack and start praising for my provision. I was going to stop begging God to move as if I had to twist His arm to show up for me.

I started thanking Him for what He's done. I started praying for my neighbors, for my coworkers, for safety on the road as I would travel to and from work. I started thanking Him for providing for me by giving me jobs that delighted my heart. I started thanking Him for putting big dreams in my heart when I was still in Atlanta and I started declaring the coming to the surface of those things.

//

7/22/14. A month before my 26th birthday.

Rewind: A few weeks back I really felt God asking me to be specific. I started asking Him for extremely specific things, down to dates. I prayed that on my 26th birthday I'd wake up in my new home. Time was seemingly ticking away. I asked Him for a creek in my backyard because it was honestly something I always wanted when I imagined life in TN. I asked Him for a house with shutters, because why not. I asked for a porch. I asked Him for an actual Nashville, TN address. I asked Him for grandparent neighbors because I really miss my grandparents terribly. I asked for a guest bedroom and my own bathroom, because I wanted my guests to feel completely at home.

Back to the 22nd: Evy found this amazing house about a week ago. It all seemed too good to be true at first. A guy had received an unexpected out of state job transfer, but did want to sell his home. He wanted to bless someone because he was so blessed with a promotion and his finances had been blessed too. $600/month. Everything included in exchange that we don't party, keep the house clean, take care of the space, and treat it with respect. 3 bedrooms. 2 full baths. Almost 2,000 sqft. Hardwood floors. Brand new stainless steel fridge. Washer/Dryer included. A year of this. We were already over the top excited about this opportunity and were stoked to go by the house to visit it and check out the lot.

We pulled up to the driveway and both were instantly speechless. We pull up to see a full on fenced in, raised bed, vegetable and herb garden with a watering can and vegetables. We freaked out. We saw a huge wooden porch, a cement patio, and a barn. We see an adorable swing. I look across the yard and realize right away that there is a creek in the backyard. We explore and notice our neighbors decor and we realize we're living next door to grandparents. We are on an end lot and a dead end, so no neighbors to the other side at all.

//

I've been waiting to write this post. I've been believing and anxious for the day when I would post HEY Y'ALL I HAVE A TN ADDRESS!!! This exceeded my expectations. It went above what I was dreaming for. It went above my hopes and requests. In the middle of all of this glory-filled celebration, I end up getting two more jobs and having an interview for another. It looks as though my typical weeks will now include nannying Mondays and Tuesdays, teaching Sunday School on Sunday mornings, and then if all goes well, working about 25 hours the rest of the week. God is providing me with MORE than I need.

To top off the incredible day we were having, Evy and I decided to check out this church we had heard about. It meets on Tuesday evenings, with the heart behind that being that the pastors saw that with so many artists and creatives in this city, many people would be touring and traveling during weekends. The church meets at Rocketown, a huge music venue in Nashville. We went and were "forced to mingle", something both of us at first were not really feeling. It's funny, I love people and talking to people, but those weird initial "hey, what's your name?" things make me freak out. Anyway, we met this girl named Emma {also, sidenote: I met this rad girl named Hannah who cuts hair through Aveda and she was awesome and gave me some connections}.

Rewind again: On July 5th, Melissa and I went up to the highest point in Nashville during sunset to dream + hope + believe for my city, for my future, etc. We asked God to give us an awareness of the people around us and asked Him to show us things about people if He wanted to. about 10 minutes into sitting up there, this girl comes up to the top of the mountain and sits down on a blanket with a guitar. We both really felt like God was going to give her influence in the music industry and that she needed to not despise small beginnings and all of this. for whatever reason, we chose not to go over and talk to her and instead just prayed and spoke things over her life from a few feet away. Afterwards, I realized I really should have gone and spoke with her, so I just said, okay, Jesus... You do insane things so if I ever get the chance to see this girl again I'll share everything you've put on my heart for her life.

Well, because this is Jesus: Emma, that we met on Tuesday, was the girl.

So, back to this church service. There was a guy next to Evy that I really kept feeling burdened for. The whole service you could just tell that he was angry, bitter, and that he was completely turned off to the whole church thing. I really started feeling God tell me to start praying over his life. I asked God to break in. I felt God said, ask me for his name. So I did. I asked God for his name so that I could pray for him by name. The whole service comes and goes and he stands with his arms crossed the entire time. I notice his tattoos, zombies and blood and wounds all over his right arm. I notice a tear at the end of the service fall from his eyes. As service ended, some of the leaders were giving out prophetic words. The VERY last thing that happened was the pastor called him out. Not in a bad way or an embarrassing way. He asked if it was his first time there, he said yes. He asked his name {thanks, Jesus}, he said Collin.

Y'all. Jesus is so real. He does insane things, over the top things, unexplainable things. He is after our hearts. He loves us. He won't stop. You can run forever or you can stand with your arms crossed in church, but He's going to get you eventually. He does not stop. He is not afraid of you. He's not scared of your threats. He's not annoyed by your stubbornness. He doesn't care if you refuse to go to church, He'll bring Himself to you. He shows up in clubs, bars, on street corners. He shows up at 4am when you're laying in bed, miserable. He is relentless, He is fiercely loyal, He cannot and will not stop.

//

Jesus, thank You.
Thank You for bringing me to this city to see you in divine ways. Thank you for giving me gifts and for passing down through my family and former generations a sensitivity to your voice. Thank You for giving me an outlet to love people in the ways I delight in most. Thank you for doing miracles in front of me. Thank you for letting me encounter people to pray for. Thank you for literally ordering EVERY single step. Thank you for letting me be in this new place, trusting in You and then seeing You move. Thank you for giving me more than I deserve. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for letting me show other people who you are. Thank you for loving me ridiculously, over-the-top, far more than I can even truly fathom. Thank you that your love freed me and now I get to free others. Thank you that I've only just begun. Thank you that you are for me. Thank you that you have set my life apart for something bigger than myself. Thank you for forgiving me freely.
Jesus, thank You.

//

And now... just because I'm still so excited:
Y'ALL I HAVE A TENNESSEE ADDRESS!!!