Today is my 26th birthday.

25 was the year of // blood, sweat, and tears. realizing how brave I am. realizing that great things take time and hard work. doing things instead of just saying I'd do them. some very dark days. moving out of state. pursuing my dream career. falling and getting back up. being rerouted. meeting new people. learning life lessons. becoming an auntie again. understanding that as you grow, things change and learning what that looks like in terms of relationships. of getting to treasure plenty of sweet moments with my fav kiddos who lovingly call me 'nanny'. of learning that Jesus absolutely will come through even when all else is hopeless. reaping what I've sown. understanding humanity + grace and how they work together. and so much more.

My hope for 26 is that I'd be a fiercely loving, powerful, successful woman who also possesses gentleness and peace. I hope to have less anxiety. I hope to leave a mark on all those I meet. I hope to gain roots whether that be through people, a location, or {hopefully} both.

These past weeks have held many ups and downs {depending on your perspective}. I am still seeing God take care of me and I am still believing for good things. I am meeting new people, loving my new city, and figuring stuff out. I'm learning some lessons the hard way {i.e. tattoos are not most parents' favorite thing in the world!!}, but I'm thankful for the journey.

I leave Sunday to travel to New Orleans, following a trip to NYC and Washington D.C. next month... I feel extremely fortunate to be given this unexpected opportunity. My BFF Evy and I are still waiting on a home and believing for that sooner than later. We are both relieved to be "moving on" from the housing situation. It has made me appreciate the kindness of people that much more, so that setback really truly only served as a breakthrough of sorts.

Life is slightly weird, and truly not where I pictured it'd be at 26, but I can honestly say that I'm proud of my life, that I'm genuinely able to look back and see the various paths that brought me to where I am. I see that I am deeply loved and forgiven. I see that my life is not my own. I see that what my plans are and what God's plans are can be different, but they are always better. I can see that kindness and respect and care for others may leave me heavy-hearted sometimes, but that it's worth it. I've seen that all I really want and care about in life would be making people feel and look beautiful, loved, and valued.

Every single one of you who happens to read this has shaped me, molded me, blessed me in some way. So thank you.

I am not my own, for I have been made new //

Here's to 26!!!!

12 days have passed since my last post. Those 12 days have been significant, even life-changing {though I know that's a broad phrase}.

The timeline is as follows:

Go out to eat with my friend.
End up meeting the people next to us.
End up getting hired to work set for a TV show.
Start that job on Wednesday.
Find out that we got scammed on the house.
Get my entire car scraped up after getting hit in the parking deck.
Realize again in the midst of no sleep that, wait, I actually have no TN address...again.
Finish that job last night {73.5ish hours in six days}
Meet a whole ton of new Nashville people
Re-evaluate some things.

//

So.
Back to square one, yet pushed further into the things I was supposed to do here in TN all at the same time. I don't really have much to say about the housing situation. I don't think God hangs things in front of us then takes them away and I think that when people do something against us in a vulnerable state, we end up receiving double the portion of favor and blessing. The whole recovery of what has been stolen thing. I believe that's real and that's the only thing I can truly hold on to right now.

//

I'm thankful I was working because otherwise I would have been a lot more heartbroken over everything.

I still choose to believe.
I still am stoked about life in TN.
I still see God provide for me.
I still don't understand ANYTHING about why I'm here, because everytime I think I know, my life changes directions.

//

People keep asking me why I don't just go home, why I don't just give up, etc. etc. but if anything, I feel even more sure than ever before that this is 100% where I need to be.

I'm being taken care of. That's all I really know.

//

The adventure really isn't so bad after all.

Jesus. Is. Crazy.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

//

Those who look to Him are radiant. their faces are never covered with shame.
The righteous lack no good thing.
Consider the lilies of the valley // how much more will your Father in Heaven provide for you.
The Lord my God goes before me, He keeps my feet from slipping.
The Lord my God my strength enables my feet to be like that of a deer. He allows me to stand on the heights.
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you.
Ask and it shall be given to you, a good measure pressed down, shaken together and running over.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
BLESSED is she who believes that the Lord will fullfill His promises to her.

//

I made a decision a few days ago. I made a decision that I was going to stop focusing on my lack and start praising for my provision. I was going to stop begging God to move as if I had to twist His arm to show up for me.

I started thanking Him for what He's done. I started praying for my neighbors, for my coworkers, for safety on the road as I would travel to and from work. I started thanking Him for providing for me by giving me jobs that delighted my heart. I started thanking Him for putting big dreams in my heart when I was still in Atlanta and I started declaring the coming to the surface of those things.

//

7/22/14. A month before my 26th birthday.

Rewind: A few weeks back I really felt God asking me to be specific. I started asking Him for extremely specific things, down to dates. I prayed that on my 26th birthday I'd wake up in my new home. Time was seemingly ticking away. I asked Him for a creek in my backyard because it was honestly something I always wanted when I imagined life in TN. I asked Him for a house with shutters, because why not. I asked for a porch. I asked Him for an actual Nashville, TN address. I asked Him for grandparent neighbors because I really miss my grandparents terribly. I asked for a guest bedroom and my own bathroom, because I wanted my guests to feel completely at home.

Back to the 22nd: Evy found this amazing house about a week ago. It all seemed too good to be true at first. A guy had received an unexpected out of state job transfer, but did want to sell his home. He wanted to bless someone because he was so blessed with a promotion and his finances had been blessed too. $600/month. Everything included in exchange that we don't party, keep the house clean, take care of the space, and treat it with respect. 3 bedrooms. 2 full baths. Almost 2,000 sqft. Hardwood floors. Brand new stainless steel fridge. Washer/Dryer included. A year of this. We were already over the top excited about this opportunity and were stoked to go by the house to visit it and check out the lot.

We pulled up to the driveway and both were instantly speechless. We pull up to see a full on fenced in, raised bed, vegetable and herb garden with a watering can and vegetables. We freaked out. We saw a huge wooden porch, a cement patio, and a barn. We see an adorable swing. I look across the yard and realize right away that there is a creek in the backyard. We explore and notice our neighbors decor and we realize we're living next door to grandparents. We are on an end lot and a dead end, so no neighbors to the other side at all.

//

I've been waiting to write this post. I've been believing and anxious for the day when I would post HEY Y'ALL I HAVE A TN ADDRESS!!! This exceeded my expectations. It went above what I was dreaming for. It went above my hopes and requests. In the middle of all of this glory-filled celebration, I end up getting two more jobs and having an interview for another. It looks as though my typical weeks will now include nannying Mondays and Tuesdays, teaching Sunday School on Sunday mornings, and then if all goes well, working about 25 hours the rest of the week. God is providing me with MORE than I need.

To top off the incredible day we were having, Evy and I decided to check out this church we had heard about. It meets on Tuesday evenings, with the heart behind that being that the pastors saw that with so many artists and creatives in this city, many people would be touring and traveling during weekends. The church meets at Rocketown, a huge music venue in Nashville. We went and were "forced to mingle", something both of us at first were not really feeling. It's funny, I love people and talking to people, but those weird initial "hey, what's your name?" things make me freak out. Anyway, we met this girl named Emma {also, sidenote: I met this rad girl named Hannah who cuts hair through Aveda and she was awesome and gave me some connections}.

Rewind again: On July 5th, Melissa and I went up to the highest point in Nashville during sunset to dream + hope + believe for my city, for my future, etc. We asked God to give us an awareness of the people around us and asked Him to show us things about people if He wanted to. about 10 minutes into sitting up there, this girl comes up to the top of the mountain and sits down on a blanket with a guitar. We both really felt like God was going to give her influence in the music industry and that she needed to not despise small beginnings and all of this. for whatever reason, we chose not to go over and talk to her and instead just prayed and spoke things over her life from a few feet away. Afterwards, I realized I really should have gone and spoke with her, so I just said, okay, Jesus... You do insane things so if I ever get the chance to see this girl again I'll share everything you've put on my heart for her life.

Well, because this is Jesus: Emma, that we met on Tuesday, was the girl.

So, back to this church service. There was a guy next to Evy that I really kept feeling burdened for. The whole service you could just tell that he was angry, bitter, and that he was completely turned off to the whole church thing. I really started feeling God tell me to start praying over his life. I asked God to break in. I felt God said, ask me for his name. So I did. I asked God for his name so that I could pray for him by name. The whole service comes and goes and he stands with his arms crossed the entire time. I notice his tattoos, zombies and blood and wounds all over his right arm. I notice a tear at the end of the service fall from his eyes. As service ended, some of the leaders were giving out prophetic words. The VERY last thing that happened was the pastor called him out. Not in a bad way or an embarrassing way. He asked if it was his first time there, he said yes. He asked his name {thanks, Jesus}, he said Collin.

Y'all. Jesus is so real. He does insane things, over the top things, unexplainable things. He is after our hearts. He loves us. He won't stop. You can run forever or you can stand with your arms crossed in church, but He's going to get you eventually. He does not stop. He is not afraid of you. He's not scared of your threats. He's not annoyed by your stubbornness. He doesn't care if you refuse to go to church, He'll bring Himself to you. He shows up in clubs, bars, on street corners. He shows up at 4am when you're laying in bed, miserable. He is relentless, He is fiercely loyal, He cannot and will not stop.

//

Jesus, thank You.
Thank You for bringing me to this city to see you in divine ways. Thank you for giving me gifts and for passing down through my family and former generations a sensitivity to your voice. Thank You for giving me an outlet to love people in the ways I delight in most. Thank you for doing miracles in front of me. Thank you for letting me encounter people to pray for. Thank you for literally ordering EVERY single step. Thank you for letting me be in this new place, trusting in You and then seeing You move. Thank you for giving me more than I deserve. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for letting me show other people who you are. Thank you for loving me ridiculously, over-the-top, far more than I can even truly fathom. Thank you that your love freed me and now I get to free others. Thank you that I've only just begun. Thank you that you are for me. Thank you that you have set my life apart for something bigger than myself. Thank you for forgiving me freely.
Jesus, thank You.

//

And now... just because I'm still so excited:
Y'ALL I HAVE A TENNESSEE ADDRESS!!!

scattered.

time is moving by so quickly.

everything feels scattered right now. nothing feels secure.

there's so much i want to say, but i'm feeling like i don't know how to say it.

i am ready to feel settled.
i am ready for a routine to start {ironic, right? we get tired of routine than 3 weeks without it and i feel completely frazzled}.
i am ready for a job schedule.
i am ready for paychecks.

but.

in all of this, i am realizing each day how much Jesus is after in my life. He wants everything. He will not allow me to settle for good when great is an option. He will not let me come here, half way. It's all or it is nothing. And nothing is not an option.  He wants my focus to shift in the mornings. He wants me to wake up and think along these lines:

i ready for the faithfulness of God to once again be displayed in my life.
i am ready for people to come into my life and friendships to form.
i am ready for new coworkers and people to love on.
i am ready for neighbors and believing for opportunities to care for them.
i am ready for church gatherings and to grow as i hear the Word of God preached.
i am ready to open my home and use gifts of hospitality to care for others.

there is a shift that is in the process of happening.
things are moving and have been set in motion.

isn't it crazy how much of our days is guided by how our mornings go? if our first thought each day is "i didn't get enough sleep last night i'm going to be tired all day" we've already set ourselves up to be tired all day.

i'm trying to wake up each day here and think about how thankful i am to be here. the first step of obedience was to just simply come to the city. to make the physical move from GA to TN. i am learning to give myself grace in the process as well.

it's summer and i turn 26 next month and everything's going to be fine.

Nashville lessons recap // Week 1 //

1. I REALLY need to learn how to parallel park.
2. God can do whatever He wants, whenever and however He wants.
3. A lot can happen in one hour. A TON can happen in one day.
4. Every single reason why I thought I was coming to Nashville is the opposite of why I'm supposed to be here: roommates, neighborhoods, certain jobs, etc. I'm learning to love the significance behind this.
5. I have people reaching out to me and loving me already. I do not take that for granted. Every message and call and text has blessed me. I'm so thankful.
6. Not liking coffee and living in Nashville doesn't mix well.
7. Jesus REALLY, really likes giving us things that make our hearts happy. Bonfires and wildflower bouquets and free iced tea, just because all those things delight my heart.
8. God is a provider if I have my daily bread or enough for a week. He is no different, regardless the circumstance.
9. Everything is falling into place more than I could have thought it would.
10. Saturday I'm going to look at some places and will hopefully have an address in a few weeks. Again, a lot can change in one hour.

I am at a loss for words over what has taken place the past 8 days. I can't really believe how much I'm already learning and how many things are already being made new in me.

It's July, the 7th month, the month of things being completed, coming together, being renewed, sealed, and set into motion.

Jesus, life with You is unreal. It's wild, it makes no sense, it changes, it is exciting, it's nerve racking, it's not what we think we need for ourselves. It's unpredictable.  You are a Good Father. You take care of me. You give me what I need for the moment. You bless me with tiny gifts just because. You allow me outlets to express my creativity and love. You give me little brothers to adopt because it's my heart. You give me babies to nanny because it's my heart. You give me volunteer hours gardening at a shelter for at-risk youth because it's my heart. You give me a church that has a passion to see mental health stigmas go within the church because it's my heart. You're a Good Father.

I've never been more aware of my need than I am right now.

I need daily bread. I need housing. I need provision. I need peace. I need understanding. I need community and people to carry my load.

It says in Psalm 34 that the righteous lack nothing. There are so many insane stories of God showing up and providing and making a way. If He can part an entire sea, how much more can He do in my day-to-day?

It's such a crazy time in my life. It's easily the most excited and most scared I've ever been. Please do not think I am brave and please do not think this is easy, because it is not. I've officially crossed over the line of dreaming and believing, to actually doing. This is not an overnight thing. It's a process. A journey. A destination is in sight, but it still takes steps to get there.

It's like in my mind and in my impatience and lack, I decided I'd run a full on marathon. Like, I'm going to get to the end of this as soon as I possibly can. But with each breath, I'm remembering that I didn't prepare for a marathon. I didn't train for it. I cannot turn this process into a marathon when I have not done the necessary things to make it that. In my humanity, I want it all to happen in a day {which things still can change in a day, even an hour}, when the reality is that it's a process.

I'm learning and my eyes are shifting and I'm pressing through.

Making the decision, hourly it seems right now, that I will rise above. I'll rise above everyone who tells me I cannot do this. I will rise above the things my eyes see and choose belief. I'll rise above the odds and the factors that are seeming to go against what I believe to be true. I'll rise above the lack and believe that as a daughter of God I am more than taken care of.  I'll rise above sickness and nerves and headaches and all these little things trying to distract me from keeping my eyes fixed above. I'll rise above the flesh in me that tells me God is not who I know He is. I'll rise above.

If anyone just so happens to know of houses for rent or jobs in Nashville, or if you want to start a Kickstarter or GoFundMe in my name, I'm so fine with receiving any and all gifts, checks in the mail, surprises, blessings, presents, student loans paid off, etc. {Kidding... kind of.}

Thank you for walking this journey with me and for praying for me.

Carry on.

Also, today is 7/7/14.

I've always been big on numbers and the significance they hold.

So, today, I'm receiving the double portion of blessing + favor + completion + coming together of things promised.

July isn't turning out to be so bad.