5 and a half months.
Nearly half a year.

I'm grateful that God truly is the One who restores broken things. Who rebuilds walls. Who renews ancient ruins.

Because, honestly, so far Nashville has seemed like a whole lot of broken things. Both some via my own choices and some done against me. Both in a physical sense and a spiritual sense. I've been hurt and I've hurt others. I've been down really low. I've seen the valley, on this side, here in Tennessee.

But I believe.
And if the first half of my first year in Nashville was nothing but broken things, and if God is the One who takes broken things and pieces them back together, then it looks like I've got nothing to worry about.

Advent season begins.
May I truly, truly know Jesus.

this is quite possibly the most overdue blog post of all time, in which i apologize for that.
i am so thankful for those who have asked for an update and especially thankful to those who have faithfully prayed for me since my move to TN 3 months ago.

i've been trying to figure things out.
what 'things'? i don't even know.

community and church and neighborhoods and how you live with people and share bathrooms and decorate and how you get enough money to buy all the things you need for a new home like a Swiffer and toaster oven and guys/dating and communicating and pursuing art and searching for mentors/counselors and trying to remember to eat 3 meals a day and go to bed at a decent time and stay in touch with friends from back home and not seclude myself because this isn't what i pictured and to text back the {literally} 59 unanswered texts in my inbox and get outside enough to breath and arrange my room the right way and, and, and...

do you see how exhausted i am?

mostly, i know Jesus is trying to teach me to rest. to be productive, trusting Him, loving those around me, but not to be worn down. always a martha, never a mary // i want to be in a season of my life that teaches me about what it means to sit at the feet of Jesus.

i've felt pretty overwhelmed since i got to nashville, with a few really incredible moments of rest thrown in the mix. i am expectant for this season, both because quite literally it's Fall in TN and hello! it's beautiful, but also this season of my life as a person. i lost a little motivation in the busyness of moving and settling to pursue wholeness, but now i am re-inspired once again.

so yes, i moved. i have a nashville address. something i wanted and hoped for and prayed for and talked about for so, so long. i am thankful. i am also working 50 hours/week and it's a lot but what i need right now while i continue to get my state boards taken care of for my cosmetology license.

in 4 months i'll have my first nephew and once again my heart will swell and grow and once again i'll be reminded to not take things so intensely all the time. i still spend a part of almost all of my days daydreaming auntie style for the future (and present) of my 3 favorite little humans. i miss them terribly, still pray they grow up to like me and remember me being a part of their lives, and still write them letters on a fairly regular basis.

sometimes i spend my days wondering if i picked the right thing. if i was supposed to come here or not. sometimes i spend my days wondering if i'll ever feel like i belong somewhere or if i'll always move from place to place to place. sometimes i wonder where my husband is and why he's taking so long and how much easier all this would be if someone else was next to me in the process.

tired, tired, tired, but blessed.

thank you for continuing to be a part of my journey and may grace + peace be yours in abundance.

Two months //

I moved to Nashville just over two months ago.
I still cannot believe most days that I actually did it, and I especially cannot believe that I've stuck it out.

Here's an honest update:
I'm tired.
I don't feel like I know my purpose here.
I question if I have a purpose in another city.
I still don't really know anyone.
I still don't have an address.
I still don't have my license for the state of TN.
I still don't know what God is doing.
I still don't know why He's taking so long.
I still don't know what specific job I want.

But.
I still believe {somehow, someway} that this is where I was meant to be.

I was given this insane opportunity a few weeks back out of nowhere. I said yes, because it was July, and I had made a promise to myself that I'd say yes to any opportunity that came my way. When I started this job, I hadn't even faced one of the biggest setbacks of my time here. Little did I know then, and even now, just how much saying yes would change me.

I think we need to be around people different than us because it teaches us so much about love.
I think we need to force ourselves to do things we'd never normally do just because of the people it'll let us meet.

I don't feel brave or strong. I feel worn down and exhausted.
But there's beauty in everything {just not everyone sees it}

I don't know what I want or need this new month to be. But I am looking forward to it.
Month 3 in Nashville, let's do this.

Today is my 26th birthday.

25 was the year of // blood, sweat, and tears. realizing how brave I am. realizing that great things take time and hard work. doing things instead of just saying I'd do them. some very dark days. moving out of state. pursuing my dream career. falling and getting back up. being rerouted. meeting new people. learning life lessons. becoming an auntie again. understanding that as you grow, things change and learning what that looks like in terms of relationships. of getting to treasure plenty of sweet moments with my fav kiddos who lovingly call me 'nanny'. of learning that Jesus absolutely will come through even when all else is hopeless. reaping what I've sown. understanding humanity + grace and how they work together. and so much more.

My hope for 26 is that I'd be a fiercely loving, powerful, successful woman who also possesses gentleness and peace. I hope to have less anxiety. I hope to leave a mark on all those I meet. I hope to gain roots whether that be through people, a location, or {hopefully} both.

These past weeks have held many ups and downs {depending on your perspective}. I am still seeing God take care of me and I am still believing for good things. I am meeting new people, loving my new city, and figuring stuff out. I'm learning some lessons the hard way {i.e. tattoos are not most parents' favorite thing in the world!!}, but I'm thankful for the journey.

I leave Sunday to travel to New Orleans, following a trip to NYC and Washington D.C. next month... I feel extremely fortunate to be given this unexpected opportunity. My BFF Evy and I are still waiting on a home and believing for that sooner than later. We are both relieved to be "moving on" from the housing situation. It has made me appreciate the kindness of people that much more, so that setback really truly only served as a breakthrough of sorts.

Life is slightly weird, and truly not where I pictured it'd be at 26, but I can honestly say that I'm proud of my life, that I'm genuinely able to look back and see the various paths that brought me to where I am. I see that I am deeply loved and forgiven. I see that my life is not my own. I see that what my plans are and what God's plans are can be different, but they are always better. I can see that kindness and respect and care for others may leave me heavy-hearted sometimes, but that it's worth it. I've seen that all I really want and care about in life would be making people feel and look beautiful, loved, and valued.

Every single one of you who happens to read this has shaped me, molded me, blessed me in some way. So thank you.

I am not my own, for I have been made new //

Here's to 26!!!!

12 days have passed since my last post. Those 12 days have been significant, even life-changing {though I know that's a broad phrase}.

The timeline is as follows:

Go out to eat with my friend.
End up meeting the people next to us.
End up getting hired to work set for a TV show.
Start that job on Wednesday.
Find out that we got scammed on the house.
Get my entire car scraped up after getting hit in the parking deck.
Realize again in the midst of no sleep that, wait, I actually have no TN address...again.
Finish that job last night {73.5ish hours in six days}
Meet a whole ton of new Nashville people
Re-evaluate some things.

//

So.
Back to square one, yet pushed further into the things I was supposed to do here in TN all at the same time. I don't really have much to say about the housing situation. I don't think God hangs things in front of us then takes them away and I think that when people do something against us in a vulnerable state, we end up receiving double the portion of favor and blessing. The whole recovery of what has been stolen thing. I believe that's real and that's the only thing I can truly hold on to right now.

//

I'm thankful I was working because otherwise I would have been a lot more heartbroken over everything.

I still choose to believe.
I still am stoked about life in TN.
I still see God provide for me.
I still don't understand ANYTHING about why I'm here, because everytime I think I know, my life changes directions.

//

People keep asking me why I don't just go home, why I don't just give up, etc. etc. but if anything, I feel even more sure than ever before that this is 100% where I need to be.

I'm being taken care of. That's all I really know.

//

The adventure really isn't so bad after all.

Jesus. Is. Crazy.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

//

Those who look to Him are radiant. their faces are never covered with shame.
The righteous lack no good thing.
Consider the lilies of the valley // how much more will your Father in Heaven provide for you.
The Lord my God goes before me, He keeps my feet from slipping.
The Lord my God my strength enables my feet to be like that of a deer. He allows me to stand on the heights.
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you.
Ask and it shall be given to you, a good measure pressed down, shaken together and running over.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
BLESSED is she who believes that the Lord will fullfill His promises to her.

//

I made a decision a few days ago. I made a decision that I was going to stop focusing on my lack and start praising for my provision. I was going to stop begging God to move as if I had to twist His arm to show up for me.

I started thanking Him for what He's done. I started praying for my neighbors, for my coworkers, for safety on the road as I would travel to and from work. I started thanking Him for providing for me by giving me jobs that delighted my heart. I started thanking Him for putting big dreams in my heart when I was still in Atlanta and I started declaring the coming to the surface of those things.

//

7/22/14. A month before my 26th birthday.

Rewind: A few weeks back I really felt God asking me to be specific. I started asking Him for extremely specific things, down to dates. I prayed that on my 26th birthday I'd wake up in my new home. Time was seemingly ticking away. I asked Him for a creek in my backyard because it was honestly something I always wanted when I imagined life in TN. I asked Him for a house with shutters, because why not. I asked for a porch. I asked Him for an actual Nashville, TN address. I asked Him for grandparent neighbors because I really miss my grandparents terribly. I asked for a guest bedroom and my own bathroom, because I wanted my guests to feel completely at home.

Back to the 22nd: Evy found this amazing house about a week ago. It all seemed too good to be true at first. A guy had received an unexpected out of state job transfer, but did want to sell his home. He wanted to bless someone because he was so blessed with a promotion and his finances had been blessed too. $600/month. Everything included in exchange that we don't party, keep the house clean, take care of the space, and treat it with respect. 3 bedrooms. 2 full baths. Almost 2,000 sqft. Hardwood floors. Brand new stainless steel fridge. Washer/Dryer included. A year of this. We were already over the top excited about this opportunity and were stoked to go by the house to visit it and check out the lot.

We pulled up to the driveway and both were instantly speechless. We pull up to see a full on fenced in, raised bed, vegetable and herb garden with a watering can and vegetables. We freaked out. We saw a huge wooden porch, a cement patio, and a barn. We see an adorable swing. I look across the yard and realize right away that there is a creek in the backyard. We explore and notice our neighbors decor and we realize we're living next door to grandparents. We are on an end lot and a dead end, so no neighbors to the other side at all.

//

I've been waiting to write this post. I've been believing and anxious for the day when I would post HEY Y'ALL I HAVE A TN ADDRESS!!! This exceeded my expectations. It went above what I was dreaming for. It went above my hopes and requests. In the middle of all of this glory-filled celebration, I end up getting two more jobs and having an interview for another. It looks as though my typical weeks will now include nannying Mondays and Tuesdays, teaching Sunday School on Sunday mornings, and then if all goes well, working about 25 hours the rest of the week. God is providing me with MORE than I need.

To top off the incredible day we were having, Evy and I decided to check out this church we had heard about. It meets on Tuesday evenings, with the heart behind that being that the pastors saw that with so many artists and creatives in this city, many people would be touring and traveling during weekends. The church meets at Rocketown, a huge music venue in Nashville. We went and were "forced to mingle", something both of us at first were not really feeling. It's funny, I love people and talking to people, but those weird initial "hey, what's your name?" things make me freak out. Anyway, we met this girl named Emma {also, sidenote: I met this rad girl named Hannah who cuts hair through Aveda and she was awesome and gave me some connections}.

Rewind again: On July 5th, Melissa and I went up to the highest point in Nashville during sunset to dream + hope + believe for my city, for my future, etc. We asked God to give us an awareness of the people around us and asked Him to show us things about people if He wanted to. about 10 minutes into sitting up there, this girl comes up to the top of the mountain and sits down on a blanket with a guitar. We both really felt like God was going to give her influence in the music industry and that she needed to not despise small beginnings and all of this. for whatever reason, we chose not to go over and talk to her and instead just prayed and spoke things over her life from a few feet away. Afterwards, I realized I really should have gone and spoke with her, so I just said, okay, Jesus... You do insane things so if I ever get the chance to see this girl again I'll share everything you've put on my heart for her life.

Well, because this is Jesus: Emma, that we met on Tuesday, was the girl.

So, back to this church service. There was a guy next to Evy that I really kept feeling burdened for. The whole service you could just tell that he was angry, bitter, and that he was completely turned off to the whole church thing. I really started feeling God tell me to start praying over his life. I asked God to break in. I felt God said, ask me for his name. So I did. I asked God for his name so that I could pray for him by name. The whole service comes and goes and he stands with his arms crossed the entire time. I notice his tattoos, zombies and blood and wounds all over his right arm. I notice a tear at the end of the service fall from his eyes. As service ended, some of the leaders were giving out prophetic words. The VERY last thing that happened was the pastor called him out. Not in a bad way or an embarrassing way. He asked if it was his first time there, he said yes. He asked his name {thanks, Jesus}, he said Collin.

Y'all. Jesus is so real. He does insane things, over the top things, unexplainable things. He is after our hearts. He loves us. He won't stop. You can run forever or you can stand with your arms crossed in church, but He's going to get you eventually. He does not stop. He is not afraid of you. He's not scared of your threats. He's not annoyed by your stubbornness. He doesn't care if you refuse to go to church, He'll bring Himself to you. He shows up in clubs, bars, on street corners. He shows up at 4am when you're laying in bed, miserable. He is relentless, He is fiercely loyal, He cannot and will not stop.

//

Jesus, thank You.
Thank You for bringing me to this city to see you in divine ways. Thank you for giving me gifts and for passing down through my family and former generations a sensitivity to your voice. Thank You for giving me an outlet to love people in the ways I delight in most. Thank you for doing miracles in front of me. Thank you for letting me encounter people to pray for. Thank you for literally ordering EVERY single step. Thank you for letting me be in this new place, trusting in You and then seeing You move. Thank you for giving me more than I deserve. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for letting me show other people who you are. Thank you for loving me ridiculously, over-the-top, far more than I can even truly fathom. Thank you that your love freed me and now I get to free others. Thank you that I've only just begun. Thank you that you are for me. Thank you that you have set my life apart for something bigger than myself. Thank you for forgiving me freely.
Jesus, thank You.

//

And now... just because I'm still so excited:
Y'ALL I HAVE A TENNESSEE ADDRESS!!!

scattered.

time is moving by so quickly.

everything feels scattered right now. nothing feels secure.

there's so much i want to say, but i'm feeling like i don't know how to say it.

i am ready to feel settled.
i am ready for a routine to start {ironic, right? we get tired of routine than 3 weeks without it and i feel completely frazzled}.
i am ready for a job schedule.
i am ready for paychecks.

but.

in all of this, i am realizing each day how much Jesus is after in my life. He wants everything. He will not allow me to settle for good when great is an option. He will not let me come here, half way. It's all or it is nothing. And nothing is not an option.  He wants my focus to shift in the mornings. He wants me to wake up and think along these lines:

i ready for the faithfulness of God to once again be displayed in my life.
i am ready for people to come into my life and friendships to form.
i am ready for new coworkers and people to love on.
i am ready for neighbors and believing for opportunities to care for them.
i am ready for church gatherings and to grow as i hear the Word of God preached.
i am ready to open my home and use gifts of hospitality to care for others.

there is a shift that is in the process of happening.
things are moving and have been set in motion.

isn't it crazy how much of our days is guided by how our mornings go? if our first thought each day is "i didn't get enough sleep last night i'm going to be tired all day" we've already set ourselves up to be tired all day.

i'm trying to wake up each day here and think about how thankful i am to be here. the first step of obedience was to just simply come to the city. to make the physical move from GA to TN. i am learning to give myself grace in the process as well.

it's summer and i turn 26 next month and everything's going to be fine.

Nashville lessons recap // Week 1 //

1. I REALLY need to learn how to parallel park.
2. God can do whatever He wants, whenever and however He wants.
3. A lot can happen in one hour. A TON can happen in one day.
4. Every single reason why I thought I was coming to Nashville is the opposite of why I'm supposed to be here: roommates, neighborhoods, certain jobs, etc. I'm learning to love the significance behind this.
5. I have people reaching out to me and loving me already. I do not take that for granted. Every message and call and text has blessed me. I'm so thankful.
6. Not liking coffee and living in Nashville doesn't mix well.
7. Jesus REALLY, really likes giving us things that make our hearts happy. Bonfires and wildflower bouquets and free iced tea, just because all those things delight my heart.
8. God is a provider if I have my daily bread or enough for a week. He is no different, regardless the circumstance.
9. Everything is falling into place more than I could have thought it would.
10. Saturday I'm going to look at some places and will hopefully have an address in a few weeks. Again, a lot can change in one hour.

I am at a loss for words over what has taken place the past 8 days. I can't really believe how much I'm already learning and how many things are already being made new in me.

It's July, the 7th month, the month of things being completed, coming together, being renewed, sealed, and set into motion.

Jesus, life with You is unreal. It's wild, it makes no sense, it changes, it is exciting, it's nerve racking, it's not what we think we need for ourselves. It's unpredictable.  You are a Good Father. You take care of me. You give me what I need for the moment. You bless me with tiny gifts just because. You allow me outlets to express my creativity and love. You give me little brothers to adopt because it's my heart. You give me babies to nanny because it's my heart. You give me volunteer hours gardening at a shelter for at-risk youth because it's my heart. You give me a church that has a passion to see mental health stigmas go within the church because it's my heart. You're a Good Father.

I've never been more aware of my need than I am right now.

I need daily bread. I need housing. I need provision. I need peace. I need understanding. I need community and people to carry my load.

It says in Psalm 34 that the righteous lack nothing. There are so many insane stories of God showing up and providing and making a way. If He can part an entire sea, how much more can He do in my day-to-day?

It's such a crazy time in my life. It's easily the most excited and most scared I've ever been. Please do not think I am brave and please do not think this is easy, because it is not. I've officially crossed over the line of dreaming and believing, to actually doing. This is not an overnight thing. It's a process. A journey. A destination is in sight, but it still takes steps to get there.

It's like in my mind and in my impatience and lack, I decided I'd run a full on marathon. Like, I'm going to get to the end of this as soon as I possibly can. But with each breath, I'm remembering that I didn't prepare for a marathon. I didn't train for it. I cannot turn this process into a marathon when I have not done the necessary things to make it that. In my humanity, I want it all to happen in a day {which things still can change in a day, even an hour}, when the reality is that it's a process.

I'm learning and my eyes are shifting and I'm pressing through.

Making the decision, hourly it seems right now, that I will rise above. I'll rise above everyone who tells me I cannot do this. I will rise above the things my eyes see and choose belief. I'll rise above the odds and the factors that are seeming to go against what I believe to be true. I'll rise above the lack and believe that as a daughter of God I am more than taken care of.  I'll rise above sickness and nerves and headaches and all these little things trying to distract me from keeping my eyes fixed above. I'll rise above the flesh in me that tells me God is not who I know He is. I'll rise above.

If anyone just so happens to know of houses for rent or jobs in Nashville, or if you want to start a Kickstarter or GoFundMe in my name, I'm so fine with receiving any and all gifts, checks in the mail, surprises, blessings, presents, student loans paid off, etc. {Kidding... kind of.}

Thank you for walking this journey with me and for praying for me.

Carry on.

Also, today is 7/7/14.

I've always been big on numbers and the significance they hold.

So, today, I'm receiving the double portion of blessing + favor + completion + coming together of things promised.

July isn't turning out to be so bad.

I've been in Nashville for one week. One week out of who knows how many weeks.

It's been a week of adventuring, stepping out, whimsy + wonder, reconnecting with old friends + meeting new ones, establishing myself in church, house hunting, and general resting + remembering.

It's so obvious that this is where I'm supposed to be and I have so much peace in my heart that everything is going to fall into place exactly how it needs to. It's been a week of reminding myself over and over and over and over again that God is good, faithful, a Provider, and so much more. I can be 100% free and 100% dependent at the same time. I can be 100% sure that this isn't going to end in a fail. 

I've been so thankful to have one of my best friends here with me these past several days, believing with me and for and this city. We've prayed big prayers and dreamed big dreams for the coming days and we've laughed till we cried {many times}.

I can't really complain.

Today meant a handful of good hearted, southern, Nashville welcomes from strangers who will soon enough be friends.

I'm grateful that I have people who love me so well from so far away that will send out mass FB messages and make phone calls and introduce me to people here just so that I can be a part of something and not alone.

It's summertime in TN and it's hot and the backyard is full of fireflies {it's almost awe-inspiring there are so many dancing, dancing, dancing...}and it smells like sweet basil and I'm happy.

Already I've been eating too much granola + yogurt, consuming too much local honey, and drinking too many chai teas.

Everything's turning out perfectly fine.

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! I am making streams in the desert and a way in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18

June 30, 2014: I move from Atlanta to Nashville, TN. With very little money, no permanent address, and a whole lot of faith.

July 1st.

A new chapter. A new season. 

18 months exactly to the day when I first believe this dream was birthed in my heart.

You know how when you wait for something for so long, you get so used to the waiting part that when it's actually starting to unfold you freak out about 'not ready' you are? That's what this journey feels like. I keep telling God, "but I can't do this, I'm not ready, it happened to fast, there's so much I need, I want to go home where it's easier, this is the craziest thing in the world", etc.

The honest truth is that without divine intervention this will be a complete fail. But the awesome part? I've already seen so much divine intervention. Before I even arrived in Nashville, everything I needed on my trip was paid for. I saw the most amazing rainbow after driving through one of the worst storms I've ever seen. A lady in New Hope, TN paid for my cream soda. That didn't have to happen. But Jesus let these things happen to remind me that I was walking in obedience. That my choice to say "yes", despite how ridiculous it seems, was the right thing for my life.

This is a transition. People keep telling me I am brave, that they are inspired by me. I do not feel brave. I do not feel courageous. I do not feel strong. The truth is that this is not the most pleasant thing in the world. It's somewhat lonely, somewhat terrifying, somewhat confusing, somewhat overwhelming, somewhat exciting, and somewhat nerve racking. It's character building and faith testing. It's a sacrifice of sorts. It requires more prayer than anything I've ever done.

There are things I want to happen for me in Nashville. There are people I pray to meet. There are communities that I ache to be a part of. There are people here who need love, who need kindness, who need to know they matter. There are places in this city that need light + love. There is hope in my heart for what's coming. There are dreams I have for doing hair in this creative city, for excelling at my crafts, and for getting plugged in serving this community. There are organizations I want to invest in here.

I am looking forward to documenting the journey, to allowing my story to be written, to watching the faithfulness of God unfold as I wait with hope in what He's doing. I absolutely would have never done any of this without the support and love of so many people, so thank you. Thank you for writing me checks and cards and blowing up my phone with "Happy Moving Day!" messages and for believing with me and for me and on my behalf when I cannot. Thank you for celebrating, supporting, wishing, and wanting good things for me. Thank you. I am so much of who I am because of who I know.

Alright, sweet home Tennessee, let's get to making memories.